But not us
by Iamsecretlynot
Summary: Five times they missed her and the one time they didn't. A tribute to Natasha Romanoff
1. STEVE

**Steve **

Steve repeats her words often. To Morgan, cheeseburger wrappers and ketchup stains on her cheeks. She understands more than she lets on, Steve knows. He was once in her shoes.

To Cassie, whenever she's been staring at her dad for minutes and he knows that she's thinking about how five years is too long. To Cooper and Lila, who clam up whenever Nathaniel asks when Aunt Nat is coming to visit. To Clint when he reaches for a a third glass and Steve knows that he's got a high tolerance, but he doesn't need to forget. To Peter, when he joins a fight and there isn't anyone to stop him.

We are avengers, he tells them. Wipes their tears, clasps their shoulders, shakes them back to reality. He is the Captain. Their Captain.

Some move on. He reminds them. He can see her in his dreams sometimes. The vibrant, dangerous Natasha of his past morphs into the grieving woman. He reaches for her, for reassurance, _for something._ It always ends with him awake and alone. Sam and Bucky try to help, but they too are hurting. All they can do it mourn.

Maybe this is what drives him to volunteer to take the stones back. He can't get that image of her out of his head. The grieving woman who'd lost half of her family. Her voice, whispering to him of their failure to get a life. They both failed go after their desires, they both failed to keep what they loved most. Even now, he hears her. "Some move on…" Natasha goads him. She takes on new life in this dream. Her eyes gleam with water that Steve can recognize anywhere. She's waiting for him to finish her sentence, to prove that some family value is still held. To prove that he's still Steve.

For the first time, he pulls himself out of the dream. It's still dark out. Steve bundles the blankets up to his chin and listens to the sound of Sam and Bucky's breathing nearby. They'd taken to sleeping in piles around each other. Sam and Bucky usually played it off as a joke, racing each other to the best spot on the couch. They all knew it meant more than that when the nightmares started.

He wished she could be there. To see that it's not too late to start living. That they could rebuild, could start fresh in a world without Thanos. He hates wishing. It's hard to take his own advice.

Steve exhaled and ran his fingers through his hair. "But not us." He whispers and waits.

She doesn't smile back.


	2. BRUCE

**Bruce**

He never did get over her.

For all his PHD's, Bruce could never figure out the right formula for kicking Nat, err Romanoff, out of his mind. (Perhaps that was where he should have started, by calling her the latter.) Alcohol only blurred his memories and messed up his realities. (Plus, it made him think of the bar and when Steve told him to go for it-focus Banner.) Work helped, but stress brought dreams of _her _and that wouldn't do either. Hulking out didn't erase her either, seeing her only brought him back.

He couldn't put his finger on what it was about her that attracted him. She was beautiful, yes, but he'd met thousands of pretty women and this wasn't it. Romanoff had danger wrapped around her finger and love on her hip. An intoxicating reaction. Almost like a drug, except the drug did everything in its power to avoid you when you had it.

Perhaps it's a mark of his character that he couldn't get rid of her. Maybe it proves that he truly is an Avenger. What was it that Steve said?

They'd set up a memorial to her at Clint's farm. A piece of Pine wood, which Clint's family had carved into the Black Widow's sign. They'd lowered it into the hole and stood over it while Clint fumbled with a shovel. Fury muttered a few words about how much he admired her spirit. Pepper recounted her first encounter with Natasha, eyes red. Clint refused to speak, he was obviously too worked up to even try. It was the Captain who rose to the occasion.

"Nat was a true Avenger," He gripped Clint's shoulder and went on. "Some move on, but not us, that's what she said to me. We were her family."

Bruce clung to his words long after they'd filled it in with dirt. There was something beautiful in them. The idea of a group of people who physically incapable of ignoring evil comforted him. It immortalized them. Transformed them into heroes. People loved by Natasha Romanoff.

He liked the idea of her as a hero.


	3. CLINT

**Clint**

He sees her everywhere. In the frames that line his home, in his weapons, in Nathaniel's eyes…

He'd met Nat after he and Laura had been dating for a few years. He'd brought her to Laura's farm to get cleaned up. The two had instantly taken to each other. Nat assumed that the two were already married or engaged and spent half her first stay there teasing them. Without Laura, Clint doubted he would've understood Nat well enough to vouch for her to Fury. Without Fury's okay, he wouldn't of had his partner for as long as he'd had her. Without Natasha, he wouldn't have proposed to Laura in the rain or eloped with her in a chapel.

He wouldn't of had the Avengers or the chance to disappear with backup.

Laura, the kids, Natasha, and Wanda. He'd protect them with his life. Wanda because of her brother. Pietro saved his life, the least he could do was protect his sister's.

The nightmares start when he loses her.

Clint hadn't expected those. When he lost his family, he hadn't dreamed. His walking hours were already consumed by them, perhaps his subconscious figured he didn't need anything more on his plate. They'd vanished, like the millions of other families around the world, there was nothing more to be learned.

No, he dreams of her because he could have saved her. If he hadn't let her trip him, pin him, tied him safe from death, she'd be alive right now. He made a mistake and lost his best friend. "_A soul for a soul,_" The thing hisses and he wishes that he could have fallen in love with it and tossed it over. Anything to have her at his side and not in his dreams.

He doesn't tell Laura about these nightmares. She doesn't need to know that her husband let go of his best friend. That it's his fault Aunt Nat won't be there for the birthdays or for Laura's annual potluck of 'Hawkeye crew and spider'.

Its Laura who suggests that they name the new dog Red. A lanky Irish Setter with sparkling eyes. When he protests, she runs her hands through his hair and reminds him of what Rogers said. "Some move on, but not us." She repeats it and the nightmares feel real again.

The dog is named Red.


	4. BUCKY

**Bucky**

Of course she's dead when his memories come back.

He dreams of rows upon rows of girls. Tight buns and bright lipstick. The best Red Room could offer up. Vying for the chance to take down the ghost….and the prize. A new name, new skill-set, new life. Black Widow.

None of them lasted against him.

His dream self moves his arm. Metallic movements and then he sees the blood. A girl limps away, her hand clenched on her waist. "NEXT." A handler bellows and he flinches.

A new challenger. He focused in on her feet. Bare and calloused. A tattoo number on her wrist catches him next. 52. Then striking eyes and a braid of red hair. Instinctively he knew that she was the one.

The fight passes in a blur and then he's down. Pinned under the girl, inches from her skin and the smell of antiseptic. Her breath is hot against his cheek and suddenly it's not a dream, but a memory. Thoughts press against it and the dream bursts into them.

He understands why she said it, now. "_You could at least remember me." _

At the memorial, he'd dismissed Steve's recollection as what he'd wished Nat could have said. "Some move on, but not us." It sounds like a pep talk from a different time and a different Captain. Maybe two broken warriors, but Bucky couldn't imagine Natasha and Steve broken. But now….

She never did forget him.

He wakes to Steve bolting up in bed, his voice choking. "But not us!" He cries and Bucky can hear his friend snap.

"Buck?"

He's a 10 year old brooklyn kid again. Steve's on home arrest for something that only he would have caught and Buck's sneaking comics and cookies through the windows. He climbed over Sam's blanket pile and stumbled over a pillow. "Steve?"

Silence. Bucky isn't fooled. He flopped down in front of him and looked at the ceiling. "I knew her. Or our past selves knew each other."

"You shot her. I know."

He shifted to face his friend. Steve was watching him. "No. I knew her before Black Widow." Bucky licked his lips. "Nat… Natalia Romanova." It felt strange saying it aloud. Like a magic moment lost it's spell. "We worked together. Among other..._things_."

Steve snickers and its a weight off his shoulders. "_Things?" _

He hasn't felt this awkward in a long while. "Yeah," Exhale. "Things."

Steve leaned forward. "What kind of things?" He goaded.

Bucky fought his blush back into a dangerous smirk. "Sharon things."

Steve gagged and Bucky threw a fake punch at him. They wrestle for a moment. Steve wins by throwing most of his body weight over him, pinning him down. "Funny, she had me like this too." Bucky teased.

Steve tried to shove him off and he gripped the blankets. "Buck, I swear…"

Bucky pushed himself up and looked at him. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

He does. Bucky can see it in the depth of his eyes, the way his shoulders bent. "I need to move on," Steve said.

"Not us," He leans forward and they're two kids from Brooklyn again. "You need to get your life back."


	5. SAM

**Sam**

She was always there.

He can't tell what they miss more; her presence or her.

Steve and Bucky have always acted like dogs. An overeager Golden Retriever and his moody tag along German Shepherd. He's been the Falcon, the overseer of their chaos. It was nice to have Nat step in to help balance it all out.

He doesn't know when they'll move on.

It's hard. They've spent nearly a decade together. Fighting, laughing, healing. Steve and Bucky, then Steve, then Steve and Nat. Sam came somewhere in between there, Bucky returned, and the others filtered in and out of the mix.

Sam knows what it is like to mourn, he just hadn't expected to do so much of it. Thor's was the most depressing to watch. He didn't expect Steve to up and leave though. Or to be holding the Shield like it was his. When Steve repeated Nat's words, they sounded like desperation. Not a mantra. How it became that Sam didn't know.

He had called her a lot. Sometimes for a advice or for best stain removers. Sam catches Clint listening to her voicemail sometimes. Phone videos, interviews, Jarvis's memory frame… grasping for anything. He usually sends Steve in when he looks dangerous.

Bucky seemed to add his inability to react as an another count against Sam which was complete mess. He'd mourned for his best friend before. He would miss Natasha, the way she walked and thought and sassed the boys back to order.

Sam couldn't stop though. What was it again? Some move on?

But not us.

Yeah, someone had to stay sane. Figures that Steve was the one who finished that statement.


	6. NATASHA

**Natasha**

She stumbles back on the wrong day. She can't explain why she's alive and not still lying dead on Vormir. Or how she's on Earth when the wristwatch is broken.

It's the base alright. Same monochromatic metal and huge windows. It's quiet. It sets her on edge. A dead planet is quiet.

It's dark and she nearly topples over a vase. They've done some redecorating. She follows a small path of light to a conference room.

It's a small group. She sees Bucky and Sam, wine glasses raised upwards. More glasses join them, chairs scraping back over cold tile. It's Peppers voice she hears first. "To the fallen."

The room echoes her toast.

Its Clint, he's holding back tears, preparing to chug his shot, and it's her words that she recognizes. "Some move on…" Nat hears his voice break and her simple sentence to Steve is an anthem to their hearts.

She steps into the light. "But not us." She finishes softly.

Clint's glass shatters on the floor.

She moves into the room. She can see all of them. Pepper and Peter holding Morgan at her side. Bruce's gaping mouth and an almost horrified understanding on Shuri's face. Scott and his family nestled at his side. Sam, Rhodney, and Wanda's disbelief near the knowing calm of Dr. Strange. An old man stands next to Bucky, she'd overlooked him on her first look. His face reminds her of someone dear.

Then it's Laura. Sweet, sweet Laura and Connor, Lila, and Nathaniel beside her. Clint steps toward her, bow drawn. His voice shakes. "What sort of nightmare is this?"

Nat finds Laura's face again. Something like relief fills her chest. "We won."

The arrow tenses.

For the first time in five years, Nat lets a smile reach her eyes. She laughs -"We did it!"- and tackles Clint into a hug. His weapon clatters to the floor and his arms tighten around her. "You're real." He mutters into her hair and she chokes back her laughter into body shaking tears. Another hand slips around her waist and Laura's perfume wraps around the trio. "Aunt Nat!" Nathaniel yells. They fall to the ground as the kids charge in. She tugs them all close to her, reveling in emotions she'd buried.

Her family envelopes her in their arms and Natalia Romanova's ledger is clean.

* * *

OKAY SO OBVIOUSLY AU IN SO MANY WAYS OKAY. okay.

This is based off the theory that when Steve returns the stones it gives Natasha back. Which obviously doesn't make sense, but neither does the idea that Peter Parker is still high school. Either way, Endgame was great. Somehow it actually made me like Tony? Like I've disliked him for so long, but I couldn't bear to see him go? oops.

If you didn't pick up on it, I wanted to emphasis on being an Avenger and DREAMS. Lots and lots of unfulfilled dreams.

I might come back and edit these some day. If anyone knows a GOOD beta reader I'd love it.

As always, have a lovely day! :)


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